“And I would find myself again. Not the same version of me that I was looking for, but a stronger version. A wiser version. A woman who knew that she was enough, just as she was. A woman who had been tried in the fire but instead of being burned by it, came out gold. A woman who finally, after doubting and questioning and striving and hustling for her worth for years . . . finally, finally came to the realization that she was and is and has always been . . . enough.”
mandy hale
Will I ever succeed? I do not know how many times now I have been in this position but we are here. Another two months down and no change in my life.
I am still procrastinating, distracted, uncommitted and as a result there has been no goal achieved. No “I made it, I am here, I am successful.” The self- loathing pity party that has been the last two years consumes my day to day. And yet, the energy to make change, to deliver has been non existent.
So what has changed to have me writing now? Let’s give you a quick update on my life.
In March I handed my two month notice. It was just a long, emotional journey, one I wasn’t (and in all honesty) am still not sure I wanted to take. This decision was driven by so many factors – wanting a chance to try something different, an opportunity to work with people I trust and respect again, a chance for a work life balance. I let fate guide my hand to a role and a workplace that offered all that and more.
The battle was arduous though, stepping away from familiar and comfortable into the unknown. My inner saboteur at play, would you be good enough? Will you be able to handle it? And I took it. The discomfort was and still is a daily battle.
And then I started the new role, and like that two months have passed. I am no longer the freshly new, but my hopes of a chance to disrupt my routine was dashed by getting super incredibly sick. The super flu struck and in no time, another three weeks have transpired with little progression to encourage my journey to the fit and fabulous me, hidden underneath layers of anger and frustration – and in all sincerity, lack of energy.
Each day I keep waiting for the shoe to drop, there is anxiety and apprehension that things are too good to be true, and I will wake up to find someone calling me out for my inability to perform in this big pond my feet find themselves in.
And while all this occurs in the whirring of my grey matter, the over arching and compulsive wish that I was making progress in my life – achieving that healthy lifestyle I had and can be proud of again, confidence in myself and a joy and zest for everyday.
Which brings me here, to document once again the start, the existential crisis, and the musings of one very determined person who can not find the formula to bring to life the image she sees in her life. An image that existed five short years ago and got lost in Melbourne.
Never have I wanted something more, and never have I had no idea how or where or what to start to bring it to life. I am lost, I am seeking and I even wrote my manifestations down and hid them under my pillow to see if the stars and the moon would help bring to life this dream of mine,
From my corner in the world, trying to find the missing puzzle piece,
Cathartic-Ella.
Chasing The Dream. 